


maybe fuck off will be our always?

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-03 16:33:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11536122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: evan and connor meet at therapy. connor draws, smokes, and is an all around ass. and evan blushes, rambles, and volunteers to plant trees.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> third fic omg.
> 
> hope you guys like it!!!
> 
> please comment, i read every single one and they bring me so much joy. :)))

evan studied the sight before him and tried to level his shaky breaths.

looking through the glass door he could see about five other teens. their chairs forming a circle.

he had two options.

a) completely reject his mother's and his therapist's wishes and not go to that group therapy session.

or b) do go to the therapy session and freak out the entire time.

he found option a quite tempting but ultimately knew there was no way evan hansen was going to disobey _anybody_.

so he took one last sharp intake of breath and pushed the door open.

he'd spent ten minutes standing outside the door composing himself, so he was late and that resulted in everyone looking up at him.

dr. sherman smiled and adjusted his glasses. "evan! so nice to see you here, i thought you'd changed your mind. here, i'll grab a chair for you."

as dr. sherman got up, evan studied the rest of the people.

they all looked pretty normal so he couldn't guess what their problem was, except for one boy who was clad in black and had greasy-looking hair framing his face.

evan thought maybe depression.

"here you are, son." dr. sherman croaked pulling up the chair right by where the scary boy sat.

evan blushed and muttered a thank you before hastily sitting down.

"everyone was just introducing themselves to us, we had started with stacy." he said, gesturing to a girl with nice makeup and an expensive looking outfit accompanied by an expensive looking handbag.

he wondered what she could possibly be missing from her life.

and then he scolded himself.

everyone had a right to feel however they wanted to feel no matter what their home life is like.

"i'm wally." a redheaded boy who wouldn't stop tapping his foot exclaimed excitedly.

evan zoned out as the next three kids introduced themselves and was startled out of it by the boy next to him speaking.

"connor murphy." the boy said in a clear voice, glaring directly at dr. sherman.

evan found himself suddenly sort of scared.

"evan?" dr. sherman said.

evan looked up and blushed. "oh yeah, uhm, evan. evan hansen."

the boy, or connor, turned to look right at him and evan gulped slightly.

he immediately looked down and began to pick at his cast.

"so, evan, you never really told me how you broke your arm."

evan felt his heart beat quicken.

"i-i fell out of a tree." he said after hesitating.

everyone was silent for a moment as if they were waiting for him to add 'just kidding'. when he didn't, they burst out into laughter, much to dr. sherman's dismay.

"okay, okay, that's enough. " he said, as the laughter turned to giggles and snickers.

even connor murphy seemed to be scowling less.

evan sinked in his seat and kept his eyes fixated on his good hand as he muted out everyone for the rest of the session.

when the thirty minutes were up everyone clambered out of the room.

evan hung behind so that he'd be the last one out of the room, out of fear that he'd walk too slow.

he waved at dr. sherman before sitting in the lobby.

evan knew his mom would be late.

she had just came out of work, meaning he'd have to wait a little while.

he sighed and pulled out his phone.

he wasn't surprised to find no notifications except for a text from jared.

he opened the message and read it.

**jared ; lmao how's the circus show, freak?**

evan rolled his eyes before shoving the phone back into his pocket.

it's not that he didn't like jared.

he just didn't like the things his friend said or did in general.

evan didn't think jared was a bad person, he just made bad decisions once in a while.

after an half hour of tapping his feet, picking at his cast, and running his good hand through his hair he stood up and left the lobby.

it was nice outside so he didn't mind sitting on the sidewalk.

he pushed the door open and was surprised to find the one and only connor murphy with his back pressed against the wall.

he had a lit cigarette in his mouth and a hand in his shaggy hair.

evan stalled.

if he turned right now and walked back inside connor wouldn't notice but the people in the lobby would and they'd be confused as to what evan was doing and someone might even go up to him and ask what he was doing and then he wouldn't have anything to say because how do you tell someone that the person outside is kind of scary to you and-holy shit connor was looking right at him.

"emmett, right?" he asked, using two fingers to remove the cigarette from his mouth before blowing out smoke.

"e-evan, actually." evan corrected, stepping forward and scratching his neck.

"so, what is your problem?" connor asked, placing the cigarette back between his lips.

"my problem?" evan repeated, watching him confused.

"why're you here, smart one?" connor sighed, taking the cigarette and dropping it on the ground.

he crushed it with the heel of his boot and turned to look at evan expectantly.

"i-it's sort of personal." evan replied, still staring at the crushed cigarette and the sign above it that clearly said 'NO SMOKING WITHIN 20 MILES OF BUILDING'.

"i have depression, bipolar disorder, anger issues." connor listed before taking a step closer to evan. "so, what is your problem?" he asked again, more firmly.

"i have social anxiety and mild depression." evan replied, except  it came out more like 'ihavesocialanxietyandmilddepression.'

connor tilted his head before giving him the scariest smile evan had ever seen. "see? that wasn't so hard, everett."

evan blushed and cleared his throat. "it's evan."

"whatever. lemme see your hand." connor said before roughly grabbing evan's bad arm.

evan winced and connor muttered what seemed to be a hasty sorry before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a sharpie.

evan wondered why anyone would just have a spare sharpie on them and connor seeming to feel his confusion sighed.

"i draw shit." he answered evan's unasked question as he uncapped the permanent marker and began to write something on evan's cast.

evan nodded and began to imagine what sorts of things a boy like connor murphy might draw.

when he was finished connor pulled away and capped his sharpie before shoving it back into his pocket.

evan glanced down at his arm which now said 'CONNOR' in big black letters.

his eyes widened. "it looks like you've branded me."

"relax, it's not like i said 'property of'." connor chuckled, running a hand through his hair. "besides, now we can both pretend to have friends."

evan didn't argue with that.

he opened his mouth to reply when there was a sudden honking noise. connor groaned and walked towards a black car, without even saying bye.

evan noticed his mom's car pulling into the parking area and breathed a sigh of relief.

he climbed into the car and shut the door before putting on his seatbelt.

"how was it?" his mom asked with a smile on her face.

"great, mom." he replied without a moments hesitation.

 

 

 

 


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! 
> 
> please comment and leave kudos, you guys have no idea how happy that makes me. 
> 
> don't forget to check out my other stories!

  
connor murphy liked to draw.

trees, flowers, landscapes, people.

anything really.

he didn't find it that big of a deal.

it calmed him down when he was angry, made him slightly happier whenever someone made him upset, and distracted him when his wrists itched and practically begged him to scratch them till they bled again.

his mother and sister on the other hand.

they believed drawing saved connor's life.

they gave him new sketchpads and pens every week, encouraged him to fill them up, and once in a while even asked him to draw them as they sat still for thirty minutes.

he loved his mom and zoe but he found them quite nosy most of the time.

maybe it was for good reason, but that didn't change the fact that it annoyed him.

connor sighed and stuck his pen behind his ear, chewing on his lip.

he'd been trying to draw the boy from therapy earlier but it was kind of hard to when he was high the second time they met.

he thought he'd stolen enough glances during the session and stored them in his brain to remember later, but nope. no matter how hard he tried he couldn't quite capture the boys nose or freckles right.

he took a deep breath before flipping the page and attempting to draw a tree or something.

nature calmed connor down.

sure he didn't know what the different flowers or trees were called and couldn't exactly get their leaves right but he loved looking at them.

he finally stood up and grabbed his bag and keys.

clambering down the stairs to grab his shoes he yelled out to his mom. "mom, i'm going to the orchard!"

"be home by seven!" she yelled back from the kitchen.

he slipped on his shoes and left the house.

 

 

 

  
"what the fuck is going on?" connor asked, surveying the crowd angrily.

his sister sighed and removed the sunglasses from her face, sticking them on top of her hair. "some sort of fundraiser."

there weren't actually that many people, maybe about twenty.

connor just liked the serene garden to himself and occasionally zoe, who sat in a tree and sipped on her drink while scrolling through tumblr.

scowling, he rolled up his sleeves and went over to the tree he usually sat under. it was thick and had many branches. it was surrounded by all sorts of flowers and connor could spend endless hours drawing every single one of them.

he sighed before sitting down and watched as his sister followed and sat beside him.

she pulled out her phone and sipped on her milkshake.

connor pulled out his sketchbook and pen.

he began to draw a nearby flower that caught his attention.

it was small and white and had the prettiest petals.

he smiled contentedly as he sketched for about an hour straight before a dark shadow appeared, blocking the light from hitting the flower.

connor looked up annoyed and was ready to snap at whoever it was when he found himself face to face with the boy from therapy.

the boy was staring at his sketchpad which connor immediately hid behind his back.

"that's an amazing drawing." he said, scratching his neck shyly.

"it's also personal." connor said, narrowing his eyes.

"it's a goddamn flower, connor." his sister sighed, not bothering to look up.

"oh, no its fine. i completely understand." he replied, playing with the hem of his shirt. "i, uh, i recognized you from yesterday and i just wanted to say hi?"

"emelio, right?" connor said, his eyes lazily raking over the nametag that so clearly said EVAN, that was pinned on the boys chest.

he was probably volunteering.

"it's evan."

"listen, evan, you're cute and all but i'm really not in the correct mindset for dating just yet so-"

evan blushed furiously. "oh! no, no that's not what i meant. i'm sorry. i, just, i was wondering if we could be friends?"

connor narrowed his eyes in confusion. "you, want to be friends with me?"

"i mean, if you'd like to?" evan said softly, picking at his cast.

connor was about to say no until he noticed evans arm, he faltered at the sight of his name.

maybe, having a friend that wasn't his sister wouldn't be so bad?

"sure."

"wait what."

"i said yes, evan." connor sighed, before standing up and shoving his sketchbook in his bag. "i'll hold hands with you and sing kumbaya or whatever friends do."

evan gave him a grin. "thank you."

connor pulled out a sticky note and scribbled his number on it so that he didn't have to go through the awkwardness of handing evan his phone and evan probably fumbling with it and dropping it on the ground.

he gently slapped it on to evan's chest, much to his confusion, and snapped his fingers at zoe. "c'mon zo."

she stood up and shoved her phone in her pocket, studying evan with a smile. "hello evan."

"hi," evan smiled back, running a hand through his hair nervously.

connor recognized that look.

evan thought that zoe was pretty.

he possessively threw an arm over her shoulder. "text me." he yawned, before stalking off with his sister.

"connor, i'm gay." zoe whispered matter of factly as they walked to his car.

"i don't care." connor hummed, making sure to not remove his arm until they had reached his vehicle.

 

 

 

 

"what color do you think it looks like? your anger. is it red?"

"not red, that's fucking dumb. shit, i meant- no, fuck. i-i'm trying not to swear much, my apologies." he replied, facepalming.

dr. sherman smiled. "it's alright connor. you're trying."

"it's just, everyone describes anger as red y'know? but it's more blue and green and gray. it's like a mixed area. i just know that i'm mad. i don't know why i'm mad or what would make me not mad. in the moment it may feel completely red, but afterwards and before i feel-blue. sad, lonely, destructive." connor trailed before looking up at the doctor. "and i am making no fucking sense, am i?"

"perfect sense, connor."

connor sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "i-i made a friend?" he said in hopes to make dr. sherman proud.

connor needed that little amount of validation from someone to feel alright for the rest of the day-he _needed_  it.

"really? that's great! who is it?"

connor smiled slightly and picked at his cardigan. "his name is evan, he's one of your patients."

"oh, evan's a sweetheart. i'm so happy you two are getting along."

"let's hope he rubs off on me." connor joked, rubbing his neck awkwardly.

"connor, you're a great person. you just have a hard time expressing yourself." dr. sherman assured him.

connor was going to say something when his phone made a sound. "looks like time is up, doc. see you next week." he said, jumping up from his seat and walking to the door.

"remember to breathe, connor!" dr. sherman called.

connor rolled his eyes and nodded. he left the building, his hand already itching to go to his pocket.

he pulled out a preroll and a lighter and began to light it before he heard a coughing sound.

and there sat evan.


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii.
> 
> comment and leave kudos please ! <3

evan had never wanted to strangle himself more.

he just coughed, a loud sound that probably irritated connor.

while he was thinking of a way to start a conversation he opened his mouth and took a sharp inhale of breath, causing him to choke slightly.

connor turned to look at him with an expression that evan couldn't quite place. "hey." he croaked, ignoring the tears welling in his eyes in an attempt to be cool.

connor put what seemed to be a joint in between his lips. "hello evan." he replied nonchalantly.

"so, uh, you just come out of a session or?" evan asked standing up and dusting off his jeans, even if he knew they were spotless.

"yeah. you?" connor answered.

"no, i uh, i thought i had an appointment but, i didn't so. i kinda came here for nothing and my mom's at work, so i have to, uh, wait." he replied, careful not to ramble.

connor removed the joint from his mouth before exhaling smoke. "you want a ride?"

"i mean, no, if it's going to bother you in anyway-"

"doesn't matter. i'm not driving." connor interjected.

"will your uh, girlfriend mind?" evan asked thinking back to the girl connor's arm had been around the other day.

connor almost choked, his hand flying up to his chest. "girlfriend?" he repeated, in a tone of confusion and amusement.

"the girl, at the uh, orchard. zoe?"

connor burst out into laughter as evan stood there awkwardly.

"you mean zoe, as in my sister?" connor chuckled as evan proceeded to turn bright red. "i'm gay, evan."

"i am so sorry. i-uh-i didn't mean to. i mean-do you have a boyfriend then?" evan quickly asked to change the subject and save himself from further embarrassment.

connor smirked before tilting his head. "why? are you planning on applying for the position?"

evan's eyes widened and he scratched his ear. "no! i mean not that i think that dating you would necessarily be like a bad thing? i mean i'm sure you'd be a great boyfriend and all. but i'm sort of straight. or at least i think i am? like i haven't given it much thought and i'm probably bi or something-"

"don't forget to breathe, evan." connor suddenly said.

"what?"

"nothing. anyways, you need to relax evan." connor said, flinging the joint to the ground and stepping on it. "come on, there's zoe."

 

 

 

 

 

"mom, connor stole my nail polish and lost it. again."

"connor, what did i say about stealing your sister's nail polish."

"she has like twelve in the same shade!"

"they're still mine!"

evan cleared his throat before taking a sip of his drink.

everyone at the table turned to look at him.

"s-sorry." he mumbled, picking up his fork and stabbing his food.

seeming to realize how loud they were being they all looked down at their food.

"so, emmett-" mr. murphy began.

"it's evan." connor corrected, rather aggressively.

"evan, what do your parents do?"

evan blushed. "my, uh, mom is a nurse."

mrs. murphy smiled. "that's nice, and your dad?"

"my dad, isn't really well in the picture." evan said, resulting in everyone dropping their forks and looking up at him.

"i am so sorry about your loss-"

"forgive me for bringing it up-"

"mom, why would you ask about his dead fucking dad-"

"what the fuck, dad-"

"no! he's not dead. no, no. he's alive. very much alive. he, uh, lives in like arizona now. with his, new family." evan quickly replied.

the murphy family all seemed to let out a breath of relief and evan found it almost comedic.

"well, i have, some work to do." mr. murphy said standing up. "it was nice to meet you, evan."

evan nodded at him.

connor suddenly sighed before grabbing evan's good arm. "we're going upstairs."

"don't forget to do your homework." his mom called as connor took evan up the stairs and into his room.

connor's room was not what he expected.

the walls were a nice cream color and were decorated with drawings of almost everything.

stars, planets, flowers, trees, even zoe's five year old hand prints.

he had a desk with a laptop on it, a beanbag in the corner of his room, a couple of posters, a huge bookshelf and various books lying around everywhere.

he also had a white window seat with matching pillows.

evan smiled at the sight of it.

that was cute.

"what're you staring at?" connor asked, sitting on his bed.

"do you like to read?"

connor shrugged, looking around. "yeah, i guess."

"what kind of stuff?" evan asked, walking over to the bookshelf and running his fingers along the spines of the novels.

"i don't know, everything?" connor replied, running his hand through his hair.

evan pulled out a novel and read the cover. "'beauty'?"

connor jumped up and walked over to him. "that's one of my favorites. it's by robin mckinley."

evan looked up at him with a smile. "what's it about?"

connor took the book from him and sat down on the window seat, evan following him. "okay, so it's like this really cool retelling of beauty and the beast. but the characterizations are so much better and it has more depth and the themes are amazing-" he rambled, with a slight smile on his face.

evan grinned at the boy.

there was something so pure about watching someone talk about something they love.

"-and so her dad and her sisters husband and like her sisters are opposed to the idea. but instead of sneaking out and scaring her dad like a dipshit, she convinces them to let her go." he continued, now looking evan in the eye instead of at the book. "and i'm not going to spoil it any further."

"would you mind if i borrowed-"

"oh, you can keep it." connor said, shoving the book towards evan.

"i couldn't." evan replied, pushing it back.

"but i told you to. so you can." connor said, shoving it harder.

evan sighed and took the book. "thank you, connor."

and then as if someone turned a switch connor's voice changed back into the cool and uncaring tone it usually carried. "yeah, whatever. it's nothing."

 

 


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to leave a comment!

  
connor woke up angry.

just agitated and pissed and fucking  _red._

he hastily went through his morning routine before climbing into zoe's car.

they didn't speak on their way there, he thought that maybe zoe noticed he was having an off day.

upon reaching school, he immediately went to the library in attempts to find a book and just fucking calm down before he punched someone.

he was surprised to find evan sitting at a table alone, typing away on a very old looking laptop.

connor grabbed a random book from a shelf before making his way over to evan.

"hey." he said, before dropping into a seat.

"fuck-i-sorry-you scared me and, i didn't mean to swear-" evan's hand flew up to his chest and he immediately shut his computer.

"it's fine. what are you doing?" connor fought the urge to snap at him for no fucking reason.

"it's nothing. something stupid for therapy." he replied, scratching his neck.

connor sighed and grabbed evan's laptop before turning it towards him and opening it.

evan looked like he wanted to stop him but ultimately sat there picking at his cast sadly.

connor studied him and shut it before handing it back, not bothering to look at what evan had been doing. "here, you look like a kicked puppy."

evan smiled and took it back."thanks."

"i'm gonna go smoke under the bleachers, wanna come?" connor asked, standing up.

"i don't feel too well, so why not?" evan replied, much to connor's surprise.

"wow evan, two weeks of being friends and i've already rubbed off on you?"

evan blushed before grabbing his laptop and putting it in his bag carefully. "it's just gym class i'm skipping."

connor clicked his tongue in mock disappointment. "still a class."

evan followed him to the door. "oh, whatever."

 

 

"literally shut the fuck up evan, there's no way that gamora can't not beat nutella romanoodle." connor declared, glaring at the boy who sat besides him.

connor's secret pleasure was comic books and lo and behold evan hansen was also a comics fan. it started with shyly sharing their favorite characters and quickly escalated into shouting matches about who'd win in a fight against who (although connor was the one shouting, evan just muttered aggressively).

"okay, first of all just because you don't like her doesn't mean you can butcher her name or act like she's useless." evan retaliated, attempting to defend black widow, a character connor found bland.

connor sat up and pointed a finger at evan. "i can do whatever i want to because i hate her."

evan threw a couple of blades of grass at him. "oh be quiet."

"make me." connor challenged, brushing the grass out of his hair and grinning slightly.

evan blushed. "i hate you with every inch of me."

"that's not a lot of inches." connor chimed, bringing up their height difference.

connor found it rather cute how much evan was shorter than him. the difference wasn't drastic but it was enough to make the boy blush and stutter at his comment.

"that's just rude." he finally said, folding his arms.

"i'm a rude person evan, it's my nature." connor replied, matter of factly.

evan shrugged. "you're not really rude. you pretend to be."

connor tilted his head to the side before moving closer to the boy. "what do you mean?"

"i mean," evan began, nervously looking away, "you're not as mean or as rude as you think you are. you're actually kind of nice. you just want people to think you're not."

connor narrowed his eyes before lying back down on the grass. "you don't know me."

"not completely."

"whatever. connor doesn't want to talk anymore."

evan was being way too invasive for connor to handle right now.

"did you just-refer to yourself in third person?" evan asked, seemingly surprised and confused at the same time.

"connor says yeah, do you have a problem?" he answered, picking at a sunflower that lay beside him.

"e-evan says no?" evan replied, playing along.

connor sat up with a slight smile. "connor says good."

 

 

  
"so, who's alana?"

connor's head snapped up to look at his dad.

it'd be an understatement to say that connor didn't like his father.

he couldn't fucking stand him.

he was nosy, rude, and just a fucking dick.

"none of your business." connor quickly replied, focusing on his egg noodles.

"well, a friend of yours is a friend of ours. so, yes, our business." larry said sternly.

his mom gasped and zoe rolled her eyes. "you've got a new friend! why didn't you tell us, connor? we could have invited her over for dinner as well."

"that's. exactly why, mom." connor sighed before turning to zoe. "why'd you tell him?"

"i didn't tell him shit!" his sister protested.

"i looked through your text messages."

connor angrily set his fork down before attempting to breathe. "you. did. what?"

truth was connor didn't care that much about his parents knowing about alana beck. a girl he was forced to do a book project with for ap english. he was just pissed his dad thought it was okay to look through his phone. 

"you were being unnaturally calm so i checked your messages." larry answered, continuing to eat.

connor stood up. "don't ever fucking do that again." he spat before getting up and stomping upstairs.

he heard his mom scold his father as he climbed the steps.

immediately grabbing his phone, he changed the password to something complicated. he was about to fling it across the room when he heard it make a ping sound.

**evan; this is going to sound really weird and i don't want to annoy you, but this is around the time you're supposed to take your meds. so did you take your meds?**

connor stared at his screen for a while before setting his phone down besides him and lying down, his eyes beginning to water.

"don't fucking cry, connor. don't fucking cry." he muttered under his breath to no avail.

it'd been a while since anyone aside from his mom or zoe had given a shit about him.

"you're not crying over tree boy okay. you're crying because you're angry." he told himself, wiping his face with a sleeve.

it was a partial lie.

evan's text just kind of set him off into an emotional mess. it was just a bunch of things piled up that were making him feel this way.

when his face was partially dry, he picked up his phone and texted evan back.

**you; yea thanks**

**evan; are you okay?**

**you; yea fine. night.**

connor flung his phone away from him before burying his face into his pillow.

**evan; are you sure?**

**you; do you happen to be anywhere near rogers park**

**evan; yes, walking distance.**

**you; would you**

**you; can you go there**

**you; like, now**

**evan; yeah sure, i'll be there in like five minutes.**

connor let out a breath of relief before grabbing his shoes and slipping them on.

he then proceeded to climb out the window.


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to leave comments!
> 
> they really motivate me to get the next chapter out sooner and they make me really happy.

  
evan was surprised when he read the text from connor.

at first it seemed like connor wanted nothing to do with evan and then the next second he invited evan to the park.

evan's mom wasn't home so he grabbed his keys, locked the door, and  walked to the park that was just a couple blocks away.

it was around nine o clock so it was sort of dark and a bit chilly.

evan zipped his hoodie up all the way before making his way to the swing set.

he was about to pull out his phone when he looked up and was met by the sight of a frowning connor.

connor seated himself on the swing beside evan and sighed. "i fucking hate larry." he declared, without saying hi.

"who's larry?"

"my piece of shit dad." connor answered, kicking at the woodchips below him.

"i'm sorry."

  
connor's head snapped up to look at him. "for what?"

evan shrugged. "you having a shit dad."

"it's not your fault, so don't apologize." connor replied bitterly.

evan was a bit taken back by his aggressiveness but at the same time, not really because this was connor murphy.

"sorry." connor mumbled a moment later. "i'm just so angry?"

"it's fine." evan assured, running a hand through his hair.

"no, it's not." connor sighed. "i'm a fucking dick."

evan chuckled. the way connor said it was sort of funny.

connor looked up at him and evan noticed the corner of his mouth turn up just a little bit.

connor looked tired, he observed under the light of a lamppost. he had slight bags under his eyes, and his hair looked even more disheveled than usual.

"i know i look like shit, hansen. no need to stare." connor grumbled, running a hand through his hair.

"oh-no-i wasn't-i didn't mean-" evan began, realizing that connor had caught him staring.

"you look like shit too, have you been not sleeping lately? no offense." he added, much to evan's offense.

"i got prescribed new pills and they've been kinda fucking me up lately." evan replied, sighing and looking down.

not to mention, they cost a bunch more money and the fact that his mom had to pay alone was enough to make him feel like shit.

"that sucks." connor said, scratching his neck.

"yeah." evan mumbled, looking around at the dark atmosphere.

"so, are you hungry?" connor suddenly asked, jumping up.

 

 

  
"connor, i don't think this is legal-"

"come on, hansen. don't be a chicken."

evan blinked. "who even calls other people chicken these days?"

"uhm, calling someone a pussy is sort of sexist and wrong. vaginas go through a lot of things and still manage to be okay, like fucking childbirth, menstruation-" connor began to preach before evan cut him off.

"okay they moved." he whispered aggressively in an attempt to shut connor up.

connor grinned before walking up to the first window. "can i get two mcchickens and two large vanilla milkshakes. also if you guys have any cookies, give me like twelve."

"did you say twelve cookies, sir?" the voice asked.

"are you deaf?" connor replied rather rudely, much to evan's embarrassment.

evan buried his face in his hands.

"please go up to the next window." the voice answered tensely, almost irritated.

connor turned to wink at evan. "here's our cue." he said, counting out the exact money before walking up to the window.

as soon as the girl opened it he put the money into her hands, and snatched the bag and two drinks from the counter.

"thanks!" he called before shoving the bag into evan's arms and running.

evan felt the blood rush to his face as he began to run after him, not stopping until he did.

connor finally collapsed under some tree a while away from the mcdonald's.

he passed evan his drink before gesturing for his sandwich.

evan handed it to him and took his drink, still slightly panting.

connor bit into his sandwich and frowned. "that wasn't as thrilling as i imagined it'd be."

"are you kidding me? that was terrifying."

connor grinned at evan. "you're kind of scared of everything though."

evan flicked a piece of salad at him resulting in connor laughing and breaking off a piece of his cookie and throwing it at evan.

evan liked it when connor laughed.

it was a cute, profound sound that was so precious it made evan want to scream. he always followed it up with this weirdly dopey smile as if he were embarrassed.

"are you going to keep staring at me or eat your sandwich before it gets cold?" connor asked, raising an eyebrow.

evan blushed, not even realizing that he was staring. he began to unwrap his sandwich.

after a while of eating in silence connor cleared his throat. "so, i kinda need a place to stay for tonight."

evan looked up at him without waiting a beat."mom's not home."

connor gave him what seemed to be a genuine smile. "thanks."

they sat for a bit more until eventually they got up and evan led the way to his home.

he was nervous about connor judging it for being small but to his surprise the boy didn't utter a word as he stalked inside with his hands in his pockets.

"i like your house." he finally said as he took off his shoes at the door before walking to the couch and lying down. "it feels like it's actually being lived in. my house, feels, empty." he gestured around at the pictures of evan and his mom and the occasional elementary grade artwork that hung from the walls.

"i-i'll grab you a blanket and a pillow." evan muttered, before rushing into the closet in his mom's room.

he came back to find connor pulling off his sweatshirt, his t-shirt rode up and evan saw a patch of skin. evan looked away and gently handed them to connor.

"night hansen." connor said as evan made a move to leave the living room.

"night connor." he replied, still blushing as he turned off the living room lights.

 


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!
> 
> don't forget to leave comments on what you think about the chapter!
> 
> and please check out my other stories.

  
"i would kill for you."

"connor that- that's not- connor you can't fucking say that."

"it's the truth, evan hansen. i would truly murder someone with my bare hands for your sake. think about that and take pride in that fact, because i wouldn't do that for just anyone."

"jesus connor, can't you thank me like a normal person." evan mumbled, flipping the omelet into the air and catching it in the pan on the opposite side.

"holy shit. evan did you take cooking classes?" connor asked, still in complete awe.

"no, i-i watch videos? and read books. like cookbooks." evan shrugged before moving the eggs around with the spatula.

"god, you're like any parent's wet dream. good grades, can cook, got a fucking full scholarship." connor laughed, grabbing himself a glass from the cupboard.

even though connor didn't say, he was a bit jealous.

evan blushed and scratched his neck. "you forgot the whole me almost killing myself thing."

"oh yeah." connor said awkwardly.

evan shut the stove off and set the omelet onto a plate before setting it on the table.

"what about yourself?" connor asked, before sitting down.

"i'm not hungry. i usually don't eat breakfast before school. i-i'm sort of scared of, throwing it all up?" he said, sitting in front of connor.

connor frowned but decided to dig in anyways. after a couple bites he looked up to see evan staring at him.

he almost choked in surprise and evan slid him a glass of water from across the table.

connor took a sip of the water before glancing up at him."are you just gonna watch me or?"

"oh! sorry, i-you know what? i'll go get dressed." evan stood up quickly almost knocking his chair down in the process.

connor chuckled before finishing his food and glass of water. he waited around for about another ten minutes before walking over to what he presumed to be evan's room and knocking on the door, when there was no immediate answer he went on impulse and turned the knob before pushing the door open.

evan was sitting on his bed shirtless, and seemingly swallowing a pill.

connor watched as he took a gulp of water from the water bottle and downed the pill, his adam's apple bobbing slightly.

he awkwardly scratched his neck as evan stood up, grabbing a shirt from the bed and slipping it on.

connor marveled at his sort of chiseled torso.

for someone as nervous and jittery as evan he was surprisingly in very good shape.

connor wondered if he went to the gym or if he was too scared of leaving a sweaty handprint on a weight.

as he tilted his head and seriously pondered about how evan took care of his physique, said boy turned to look at him and blushed.

"sorry, are you ready?" he asked, grabbing his backpack that sat by his bed.

connor nodded before tearing his eyes away from evan and heading to the living room to put on his shoes.

 

 

 

  
"you got a light?"

"i've got a flashlight on my phone?"

connor sighed and ran a hand over his face. "jesus fuck evan, i meant a lighter."

evan blushed and gave him an embarrassed smile. "sorry, i don't smoke."

"clearly." connor muttered, propping his feet up on the dashboard.

almost instinctively, evan snapped up and shoved them down. "don't do that." he said harshly, keeping his eyes on the road.

connor turned to him with an expression of shock.

suddenly evan slapped a hand over his mouth. "holy shit-connor i am so sorry-it was out of habit?-jared does that and i-"

"no, no, it's alright. i didn't think you had it in you to be a little rude." connor said, despite the initial shock, he was in fact impressed.

they sat in awkward silence until evan reached the school. he sat in the car as connor climbed out and shut the door. connor waited for evan to come out to no avail.

he walked over and knocked on evan's window, making him roll it down. "you coming or?"

"i didn't think you'd want to be seen getting out of a car with me." evan said, as if that were a completely normal thing for friends to do.

"shut up and get out of the car, you weirdo." connor said exasperatedly.

was he really that much of an asshole that evan thought he'd do something like that?

he pushed the thought to the back of his head as evan stumbled out of the vehicle.

connor wondered who thought it'd be a good idea to even let evan drive, he concentrated way too hard on the stoplights in fear he'd mess up and his hands were so sweaty they left marks on the steering wheel.

evan had told him that he barely drove anywhere aside from school, and even then he preferred his mom or even jared pick him up.

connor was the complete opposite.

the only reason anyone would have to drive him is whenever he has a therapy appointment. his mom is afraid connor will just leave in the middle so zoe drops him off and picks him up.

aside from that connor loved the comfort of his own car. the familiar smell, everything always staying the way he wanted it to, and best of all he got to pick what music to play.

he snapped out of his thoughts when he suddenly heard a loud voice and then someone slinging an arm around evan's shoulder.

"morning nerd! haven't seen you in a while, loser. how's life going? good? okay good. anyways, so i have this paper on-" jared kleinman began before noticing connor.

he promptly opened and closed his mouth in confusion before finally speaking. "why hello, connor murphy. aren't you a sight for sore eyes. haha, just kidding you look like shit. what's up?" he said as if connor and he were longtime friends.

connor was about to tell him to fuck off or something equally demeaning when he caught evan's eye.

evan looked like he was nonverbally begging him to play along.

connor sighed. "i'm alright."

"great! anyways, evan. i got like half of it done but i need help with the part about-"

connor noticed his sister who was carrying his bag and a couple of books. he let out a sigh of relief and immediately walked away from evan and his crazy boyfriend.

 


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update but this story hasn't been getting much feedback and i kinda lacked motivation. 
> 
> enjoy and don't forget to leave a comment!

  
evan was a mess.

well, he was always a mess but he seemed to find himself in an even bigger predicament than usual.

he had volunteered to plant trees with the environmental club (only club evan had mustered enough courage to join) and promised to bring two people. his mom had said yes, seemingly forgetting about her having to work that day. jared had said no without letting evan finish his sentence and evan really had no one else to turn to.

until he remembered connor.

he pulled out his phone and took a deep breath before sending connor a text.

he proofread it six times before deeming it worthy.

evan shoved his phone back into his pocket and prayed that connor wasn't high or sleeping.

within a couple minutes his phone vibrated with a text from connor.

he nervously chewed on his lower lip as he glanced down at the screen.

**connor; sure**

evan let out a sigh of relief and grinned slightly.

maybe getting out of his comfort zone every once in a while wasn't such a bad idea.

**connor; want me to pick you up?**

**evan; if it's not a problem.**

**connor; you live like, a block away evan**

**evan; i'm sorry.**

**connor; i'll be there in ten**

  
"are you sure you're okay? you're like shaking." connor stated, turning to look at evan with a raised eyebrow.

evan opened his mouth to respond before shutting it again. his mouth was dry and his tongue felt like sandpaper. he nodded instead of speaking, causing connor to nod back and climb out of the car.

evan did the same and flinched slightly as the sun hit his face. they'd been sitting in the safe haven of connor's car for the past thirty minutes because evan had made them come early in fear of being late and having attention called to him.

connor hadn't seemed to mind much, or if he did, he didn't show it.

evan chewed on his lip nervously as he and connor walked towards the entrance of the orchard.

the truth was evan had no idea what the fuck he was doing.

how did he really know that connor was his friend or that connor wanted to spend time with him?

maybe connor just came along because he pitied him.

yeah, that was probably it.

either way, evan felt terrible as he and connor awkwardly greeted alana beck (who of course was the president of the club in the first place) and grabbed shovels.

they went somewhere further than the majority of people and silently worked for a while until connor dropped the shovel and ran a hand through his mop of brown hair.

evan tried his hardest not to stare as the boy let out a huff of breath and rolled up his sleeves.

okay so yeah connor murphy was attractive.

it's not like evan hadn't noticed.

it was a fact, a fact that was quite obvious for everyone to see.

i mean it was hard not to notice how nice connor murphy looked with his pretty blue eyes (and that spot of brown, god that spot of brown), his sharp nose and jawline, his fucking hair and his surprisingly lanky but also somehow athletic build.

it's not like evan had a crush on connor or anything, he was just truthful and fine with admitting that connor murphy was in fact, as jared would say "a babe".

he must've been staring because connor was giving him a confused look as he said something that evan couldn't quite hear.

"w-what was that?" evan asked.

"i said, are you thirsty?"

"yeah, kinda."

"i saw some lemonade over there by alana." connor said, as he began to move. "follow me."

evan did as he was told and followed the taller boy over to a small table where alana stood pouring drinks.

"hello evan! and connor." she added, just as cheerfully.

"hey al." connor replied as if they were longtime friends.

evan must've been giving them a confused look because alana gave him that face that meant that she was going to launch into a huge explanation of something simple.

"me and connor actually met in the nineth grade when-"

"we work at the same place." connor cut alana as he reached for a cup of lemonade.

"wait you have a job?"

"how do you think i pay for all our dates, hansen?"

alana, who was tasting the drink with a spoon nearly choked on her lemonade. 

"you guys are dating-"

"connor, that was once-"

connor downed the small cup and crushed it in his hand before tossing it into the trash can beside them. "it's called a joke, guys." he said, rolling his eyes.

evan blushed. "sorry your voice was like monotone."

"he lacks emotion, evan." a voice scoffed from behind them.

they turned to see zoe murphy with sunglasses in her hair and a can of cocoa cola in her hand. "i didn't know you guys would be here."

"evan's part of the environmental club." alana grinned proudly.

"what about you, connor?" zoe asked confused.

evan turned to look at connor who was unzipping his hoodie and taking it off.

he was probably hot, evan thought before he watched as connor went over to his sister and draped the hoodie over her shoulder.

"zoe, it's nearly six pm." he said sighing in disappointment as he looked at his sister's crop top and shorts. "cover up, it's getting cold."

"but connor, you're ruining my outfit." zoe whined, slipping her arms into the sweatshirt anyways.

"oh shut up." connor said, rolling his eyes.

"so why are you here?"

"evan invited me." he answered nonchalantly.

zoe turned to smile at evan. "nice."

evan didn't quite know what that meant but he blushed and scratched his neck before nodding at her.

alana suddenly clapped her hands together, startling everyone present. "let's go plant some more trees!" she said enthusiastically.

 

 

 

"thanks for inviting me, it was kinda fun." connor said, keeping his eyes on the road.

evan smiled slightly and shrugged. "you're fine."

connor glanced at him and evan facepalmed.

"holy shit-i-i was going to say 'you're welcome' but halfway through i like changed my mind and was going to say 'it's fine' and so the words got jumbled up and i'm sorry that i called you fine. i mean not that you're like not fine? you're very attractive! that came out wrong-i-it's not like i'm attracted to you? well, i mean physically i am-not that you lack a good personality either! i mean, sure sometimes you come off as scary but-"

evan was cut off when connor let out a loud laugh.

"jesus, evan. breathe." he said, still chuckling. "thanks, i think. you're pretty attractive yourself too."

evan felt his face warm up and he looked down at his lap for the rest of the ride.

 


	8. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!! thanks for the lovely comments they do motivate me to write more so leave some please!!
> 
> enjoy

  
weeks passed and things were, surprisingly, going alright.

he and connor hung out almost everyday after school, connor even slept over some nights without invitation.

a text asking if his mom were home and then a sudden knocking noise, when evan opened the door he just pushed past him and into the house, muttering something about how much he hates larry.

it was one of these particular nights that evan made a realization.

connor was presumably high off his ass when he stumbled through the front door.

evan thanked god that his mom wasn't home and led the boy to his room.

evan had no idea how to take care of people who were heavily intoxicated. he'd seen movies and read books but even then he had not one clue what to do.

connor had this weirdly dopey smile on his face and he smelt like smoke. he kept trying to hug evan, much to evan's embarrassment.

at one point evan tried to take off the boys shoes and as soon as he stood up connor grabbed his wrist and pulled him to the bed.

evan turned bright red and fell completely still as connor laid down beside him and flung an arm around evan's waist, pulling him closer.

connor buried his face on evan's shoulder, his hair tickling evan's nose.

evan wanted to scream at their proximity and wondered how the hell he was going to get away.

that wasn't very hard because within minutes connor was snoring softly.

evan slowly slinked away before smiling down at his friend.

connor murphy rarely looked entirely peaceful and this was one of those rarities.

he looked so nice that evan had to fight the urge to reach out and stroke his face.

_god, hansen you fucking weirdo._

he continued to stare at connor, despite him thinking how creepy that actually is, and began to wonder how soft his skin was.

his hair, as he just confirmed, was very fucking soft.

maybe his skin was softer.

evan fantasized about holding his hand.

that'd probably be nice.

before he could stop himself evan moved close to connor and gently held his hand, running his thumb over the boy's knuckles.

yes, they were very soft.

and not sweaty.

god, it must be nice not having gross hands.

connor suddenly stirred and evan immediately pulled away. embarrassed at himself, he grabbed a blanket, threw it over connor and went to the living room.

he sat down on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest.

holy shit.

evan _liked_ connor.

well, he could be wrong? friends dream of holding other friends hands right?

who was he kidding.

evan had a gigantic, gay crush on his best friend and it was not going to go anywhere.

 

 

 

 

"what the hell is wrong with you?" a voice asked angrily, slamming himself into the locker besides evan's.

evan found himself startled at the loud sound and looked up to be met by a very familiar pair of eyes. "me? haha, nothing. what about you? huh? what the hell is wrong with you."

"did you just-cut the shit, hansen. what the fuck is up?" connor demanded turning to look right at evan.

evan felt his stomach drop.

he couldn't lie when connor was looking him right in the eye, also speaking of eyes connor has very nice ones. evan wonders if connor knows that or if anyone has ever told him. evan should probably tell him. what if connor thought his eyes weren't lovely? that'd be such a shame.

"you have pretty eyes." evan blurted, except it came out more like 'youhaveprettyeyes'.

"thanks?" connor said, raising an eyebrow as his facial features softened.

_very slick, hansen._

"yeah, that's all."

"soo, you've been avoiding me and acting weird whenever i talk to you for the past five days because i have nice eyes?"

"precisely."

connor shook his head, his hair bouncing slightly in a way that made evan's heart bounce as well.

"hansen, you are so fucking _weird_. not in like a bad way." connor added upon noticing evan's face falling.

"y-you too."

"really?" connor asked the question in a way that was more genuine curiosity as opposed to his usual sarcastic use of the word. "how?"

"well, you, uhm, you've never told me where you work! even though we've been friends for a while. a-and you always draw when we're studying together but you've never shown me what you draw aside from that flower but you didn't really show me that? also you don't really like me talking to your family unless it's zoe and even then you don't seem very happy. i mean that could be me like assuming? i don't know." evan shut himself up before he messed up connor's friendship with him even further.

expecting connor to freak out on him and scream something about how it's none of evan's business connor just chuckled.

evan looked up at connor in confusion.

"okay one, i literally work at that café on main. two, they're kind of personal. and three, it's because my family sucks and you don't."

evan faltered at number three. "i don't suck?" he asked, almost happily.

connor gave him a grin that showed just a sliver of his teeth. "no, no you don't."

evan felt his heart flutter in a way that made him wonder if he was having a heart attack.

"if you want we can go there right now? i have a shift in like thirty minutes but it's only three hours long and you could study or something." connor shrugged, brushing some hair out of his eye and adjusting the strap of his black messenger bag on his shoulder.

"that'd be nice!"evan exclaimed, speaking before he actually thought it through.

"cool." connor said.

 

 

  
and that's how evan ended up at connor's place of employment, trying his hardest to study for his stupid chem test but failing because connor was literally a glance away.

okay so maybe it was more evan staring than glancing.

but connor had his hair in a _bun_ and he wore a cute little apron so all the stares were worth it.

today seemed to be slow because connor looked bored out of his mind, he paced behind the counter and checked his phone and even began to flick packs of sugar at evan's table.

eventually the three hours passed and some other girl came in to work her shift, letting connor leave.

as they walked out to connor's car, evan trying his hardest to keep in pace with connor's long legs, evan noticed that the boy was carrying a tall drink.

one they got in the car, connor stuck out his hand with the drink to evan.

evan glanced down at it.

"take it." connor said, turning to look at evan.

"i-i didn't pay."

"jesus evan, take the drink."

not wanting to upset connor, evan reached out and gingerly took the drink from connor's hand, ignoring the funny sensation in his stomach upon his finger grazing connor's.

he took a sip of it and pulled away to look up at connor. "what is this?"

"my special one of a kind hot chocolate, just know that the only person i've made this for is you and myself." connor replied, starting the car.

evan blushed and took another sip of the hot chocolate.

it made his stomach warm and fuzzy.

or maybe that was the after effect of the way connor was looking at him two seconds ago.

either way, evan liked the feeling.


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to comment what you think!
> 
> it motivates me to write more and lets me know how to improve or what people are enjoying.

  
_so this is how feelings work,_ connor thought, not tearing his eyes away from the boy who sat in front of him.

it was like drugs, but more involuntary and natural.

everytime he looked at evan he got a fluttering feeling in his stomach that made him feel like he either had to pee or throw up.

god, feelings were terrible.

his thought chain was broken when evan looked up at him with the cute expression he always does when caught off guard.

"jared's on his way." the boy sighed, putting his phone down.

"that's bad?"

evan shrugged. "mostly."

suddenly the door swung open and they heard loud footsteps in the kitchen.

"honey, i'm home!" jared called before stumbling into the living room. "why hello! if it isn't connor murphy. and of course our tree boy."

jared kleinman spoke in a way that connor could tell was just him substituting humor for his emotions.

he disregarded the boy and turned to evan. "want me to leave?"

evan blushed and sat up. "no, no."

jared dropped his bag that seemed suspiciously heavy onto the ground and sat down beside it.

"what are we playing today?" he asked no one, digging through his bag and pulling out multiple games. "think you can beat my ass in mario kart, murphy?"

"i know i can." connor replied, narrowing his eyes competively.

"great!" kleinman exclaimed plugging in the game console. "evan's a softie so it sucks playing with him."

connor turned to look at evan who blushed and scratched his neck.

"it's always nice to watch him lose though."

"it's always nice to watch you get rejected by everyone you ask out."

both jared and connor snapped their heads up to look at evan.

jared didn't seem very surprised, more amused really.

connor, on the other hand.

"jesus, evan."

"sorry." he mumbled.

"no, no. i'm impressed."

evan seemed to smile at that.

"at least i have the balls to ask people out." jared finally said, as if he spent a while thinking of a comeback.

"are you forgetting that one time in sophomore year?" evan replied rather defensively.

"evan, that didn't count you were both drunk and you broke up with him twelve minutes later because he said that mulan two was better than the first one." jared said pointedly, handing a controller to connor who just sat there gaping at evan.

he.

jared had said _he_.

"wait, you're not straight?" he asked, fumbling with the controller.

he sort of remembered evan confessing that he didn't know what exactly he was.

evan and jared both laughed, jared more than evan.

"i'm bi." evan finally said with a smile.

"i can't believe you thought evan fucking hansen was straight. all he talks about is boys and disney movies, connor." kleinman chimed, dramatically holding an arm over his stomach.

"do not." said evan, looking at the tv screen.

"do too."

"shut up, jared."

"make me, loser."

"fuck you."

"you would." jared wiggled his eyebrows, making evan give him a look of disgust.

connor watched the exchange with one thing on his mind.

_evan was bi._

meaning that, maybe connor had a chance.

then the game started and connor had to focus on beating jared's ass for the sake of impressing evan.

 

 

  
"i am in a dilemmamamama-"

"connor, stop." evan whispered, keeping his eyes trained on the teacher.

connor sighed and leaned his head over so it was against evan's shoulder.

how he hated life and relationships.

a class that was never ever really going to help anyone in the room so what was the point really.

everyone fucks up and then they learn, it's how life works.

you don't need a stupid class to tell you how to raise a child or keep a healthy relationship.

still sighing he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, he didn't bother to hide it as he scrolled through his instagram feed.

"mr. murphy!" the teacher suddenly exclaimed.

connor peeled his eyes away from his phone to look up at her for a brief moment. "yes?" he he answered lazily, looking back down at his device.

"you signed a contract at the beginning of the semester, remember? you're not to use your phone in this classroom."

"contracts signed by a minor are not legally binding." he declared, not bothering to look away from his phone.

the class erupted in giggles and snickers as the teacher stuttered on her words.

"detention, now!" she finally exclaimed, her face redder than usual.

"whatever you say." connor replied, slipping his bag over his shoulder, waving at evan (who was gaping at connor in disbelief), and leaving the room with a slam of the door.

he made his way to the detention room and slid into his usal seat before pulling out his sketchbook. he removed the pencil from behind his ear and flipped the book open.

he thumbed through the dozens of sketches of random people and things and finally fell on a page that was scattered with drawings of evan hansen.

they were mostly just doodles of the boys countless facial expressions and connor didn't work very hard on them but they still managed to make him smile everytime he looked at them.

he flipped the page and started a new one, drawing the boy from memory.

he's only recently begun to count the freckles on evan's face and he didn't have all their places memorized so it was difficult to sketch an exact replica of him.

plus, it was not exactly easy to stare at your best friends face without it being weird or gay. or both.

not that that ever stopped connor.

he stared at him every moment he could. when they were studying and evan looked down at his book, connor's eyes seemed to immediately flick up and study the boy.

evan's caught him once or twice, but the boys far too polite to even think about calling connor out.

by now you'd think evan thought that connor were in love with him or something.

which he probably was, but whatever.

it's not like evan would like him back or god forbid, want him.

it's not like connor would ever, ever tell evan 'hey man, dude, bro, yeah i think i love you'.

at the end of the day admiring evan from afar was good enough for him, even if that meant physically restraining himself from leaning over and kissing him everytime he and evan sat down to study or watch a movie.

or stopping himself from grabbing evan's hand and holding it in his everytime he walked beside him.

connor fantasized about many other things he'd like to do whenever evan was present.

he eventually sighed and shut the book before burying his face in his hands.

stupid evan hansen.


	10. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in ONE DAY WOAHHH
> 
> anyways thanks for the comments!!! they made me so happy omg. please leave more!!

  
evan sucked at lying and keeping secrets from the few people he cared about.

even now as he watched connor take a drag from the cancer stick that dangled from between his slender fingers, evan bit his lip in an attempt to swallow the words that threatened to bubble out if he released his grip just a little.

_i think i like you._

that's what he wanted to say.

just five simple words that could either ruin his life or make it a lot easier.

evan knew he didn't want to try his luck, yet a small part of him still felt the urge to just fucking say it.

"you okay?" connor asked lazily, his voice soft.

"fine! are you? why do you ask?" evan replied a bit too fast, wanting to strangle himself for not sounding as cool as the other boy.

"you seem like really out of it." connor mumbled, blowing a thin curl of smoke from his lips.

evan's eyes followed the gray wisp of smoke that evaporated into the air. "i'm fine." he said in a voice he hoped mimicked connor's smooth one.

"alright." connor said before dropping the cigarette in front of him and crushing it with the heel of his boots.

evan wrinkled his nose as connor stepped forward.

he still quite hadn't gotten used to the thick smell of smoke that always seemed to seep into connor's jackets.

connor chuckled at evan's reaction and leaned in even closer as if to tease him.

evan found himself struggling to breathe properly, and not because of the stench of smoke that radiated off the other boy.

"does this bother you?" connor asked in a low voice, a faint smile dancing on his lips.

evan tried to respond but it was too much. so he just sort of stood there, marveling at how pretty connor's eyes were up close. and how his pale skin seemed to be completely unblemished. and the way his hair sort of framed his sharp face and how his lips looked so _soft._

evan was in love.

there was no other explanation for the funny sensations his stomach seemed to bring everytime connor looked him in the eye.

or the way his chest swelled with a weird feeling whenever connor asked him how he was doing or if he was alright.

evan swallowed an imaginary lump in his throat and blinked his eyes at connor who still stood over him with a smile on his face.

he could do it right now.

just lean up or tug connor down and press his lips against connor's.

and then connor's phone vibrated in his pocket, and connor pulled away to look at it, leaving evan to mutter curses under his breath.

 

 

 

 

  
"so you wanna kiss connor murphy?"

"yes, jared."

"still don't see the problem? many people want to kiss connor murphy."

"the problem is that i want to! i shouldn't want to, he's my best friend!"

jared put a hand to his chest and pretended to wince. "ouch."

"oh shut up." evan mumbled before cradling his face in his hands. "god, i'm so _stupid_."

"you're right about that." jared chuckled before evan flung a pen at him.

evan bit the end of the pencil he'd been twirling in his fingers.

how was he supposed to study when thoughts of connor murphy were swirling around his head.

jared hasn't been much help either. teasing him enough to make evan regret confessing his crush to the boy.

evan looked across the tables and let his eyes wander to connor, who stood behind the counter. he was checking his phone, wisps of hair that had come undone from his bun were hanging in front of his face as he looked down at the device.

his stares were cut short when jared snapped his fingers in front of his face.

"god, you're embarassing. stop staring hansen!" jared exclaimed making evan blush furiously.

"keep it down!"

"does he even know you're here?"

evan blushed again and looked down. "uhm, no?"

"jesus evan, you're whipped." jared let out a low whistle. "spying on him?"

"shut up." evan snapped, before looking back at connor.

he was now leaning against the counter with a frown on his face. it was a familiar one that conveyed the message that he was bored.

"go buy something."

"w-what?"

"stop being a pussy, go over there, and buy something." jared said clearly, looking evan in the eye.

"i'm broke." evan shrugged, using that as an excuse.

jared reached into his pocket and retrieved five dollars before slapping them down on the table.

"do. it."

evan took a deep breath before taking the money and standing up.

he walked over to the counter as fast as he could before he chickened out.

"evan?"

evan bit his lip nervously as he studied the other boys face. surprisingly, he seemed happy to see him.

"hey connor." evan mumbled, before giving him a smile.

"what can i get you?" connor shot him a grin that made evan's heart soar with joy.

here comes the hard part.

evan didn't want to take up connor's time so he shrugged. "anything."

connor's grin seemed to widen. "you sure?"

"yeah."

no. no he's not.

"alright." connor said turning and making him a drink.

_i'm so stupid, what if he poisons me? or he picks something i don't really like? no, no. i'll just swallow it and tell him it's fantastic._

"here you are." connor said setting the cup down in front of evan.

the familiar smell wafted into evan's nose and he looked up at connor. "it's the hot chocolate."

connor leaned over the counter as the corner of his lips curled into a small smile. "brilliant deduction, mr. watson."

evan blushed and slid the money across the counter.

connor slid it back. "no."

evan frowned at connor and shoved it towards the boy again. "connor, please."

"no." connor repeated.

after a couple minutes of evan begging and connor acting like a three year old, evan shoved the money into his pocket with a sigh.

connor grinned triumphantly as evan grabbed his drink.

he waved at connor and began to make his way back to the table when connor called his name.

"what?" he asked, coming back.

"don't leave, i'm bored."

"connor, i can't just stand here."

"uhm, yes, you can."

"when does your shift end?"

connor looked over at the big clock behind him and then turned back to evan. "i can't read clocks that aren't digital, evan."

evan stifled a laugh and looked at the clock himself. "connor, it's simple."

"just tell me what time it is, hansen." connor argued.

"the long hand is minutes and the short hand is hour." evan informed him, watching as the boy scratched his head and blinked at the clock.

"i don't fucking get it." he finally said, turning back to look at evan.

evan let out a breathy laugh much to connor's dismay. "seven forty-five, connor. it's seven forty-five."

"fifteen minutes."

"i'm going back to my table. i came to study with jared." evan said, watching as connor's face fell.

"fine." the boy huffed, further pushing the theory that connor was secretly a three year old even more.

evan gave him a smile, feeling bad about leaving him and walked back to the table where jared sat.

"fucking finally. jesus, hansen." jared said, before glancing at evan's drink. "give me that." he added, reaching for it.

evan quickly pulled it away from him. "no, it's mine." he snapped.

"woah, calm down there lover boy." jared muttered before rolling his eyes and pushing his glasses up his nose. "it's not like i paid for it or anything." he added sarcastically.

evan narrowed his eyes and reached into his pocket before setting the five dollar bill on the table. "it was on the house."

jared let out a soft whistle and snatched the money. "i guess connor's got the hots for you too, huh?"

"oh shut up." evan mumbled before looking at the cup.

connor was just being nice, right?

it's not like he'd ever like evan.

evan's a mess.

he cries over the littlest of things, freaks out over the smallest inconvenience, and he still has his mom or jared order food for him when they go out to eat.

connor's a lot more self sufficient and a ton more cooler.

why the hell would he waste a second of his time on evan of all people?

a couple months from now, when school was all over they'd go their separate ways and he'd probably never hear from connor again.

and evan _hated_  the thought of that.


	11. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!
> 
> don't forget to leave comments they encourage me to write faster!

  
connor's thoughts of evan were becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.

connor wasn't one to deny his feelings much. instead he let them out, they were usually just fits of anger and sadness that were dealt with by screaming into his pillow. not once did this weirdly nauseating feeling of love haunt him before.

he wasn't even sure if it was love.

maybe he just wanted to have sex with evan.

yeah, that was probably it.

"you okay?" evan's soft voice asked, looking up at him with those annoyingly beautiful eyes.

_nope, i'm definitely in love._

"yeah, sorry spaced out for a second." connor answered, running a hand through his hair.

"so i got the first few questions done and then from there they started getting more complex-" evan began again, looking down at his notebook.

connor tilted his head and stared at the boy's face for the millionth time in the past hour they'd been studying.

he wondered why he even bothered asking evan to study with him when he had no desire to do schoolwork and instead only wanted to see evan's face.

connor leaned over and shut evan's notebook.

evan looked up at him with a confused expression. "connor?"

"would you like to see a movie with me?" connor asked suddenly, making evan blush and look down at his hands.

"i-"

"not at like the theater, at my home. or your place. whatever you'd like."

"sure." evan finally answered, a small smile forming on his lips.

"great." connor answered, standing up and swinging his bag over his shoulder.

evan quickly followed, gathering his books and his various multicolored highlighters in his arms.

"dude, where's your backpack?" connor asked, watching him struggle.

"it, uh, ripped." evan muttered sheepishly in embarassment. "too much textbooks?"

"jesus." connor sighed before taking his bag and shoving it into evan's hands.

"connor, you need this-wait why is it empty?"

"all i've got in there are headphones, weed and a bottle of water." connor shrugged, watching as the boy opened his bag and gaped at the contents.

evan immediately shut the bag and looked up at connor with a red face. "connor!" he whispered harshly, glancing around to see if anyone saw. "you could be expelled!"

"for what?" connor chuckled, tucking his pencil behind his ear. "carrying school supplies?"

evan sighed and shoved his stuff in the bag before pulling the strap over his shoulder. the strap was too long for him and so the bag dangled past his waist. he looked adorable.

connor must've staring because evan blushed and gave him a confused look.

"you ready?" connor asked, shaking his head and gesturing to the exit of the library.

evan nodded and the boys left.

 

 

 

 

 

  
connor had a plan.

he'd read in one of his sisters dumb teen magazines that watching a romcom with someone you like may end in a kiss. and if it backfired or you regretted it you could always blame it on the mood the movie set.

okay so that second part seemed kind of flimsy, but evan hansen was nothing if not gullible.

another flaw in his plan was that connor didn't have any fucking romcoms.

just scary movies and old action films.

so he excused himself from the living room and went to zoe's bedroom.

he looked through her bookshelf that was filled with dvds and searched for one with a romantic cover.

coming across a film with a girl and a boy gazing into each other's eyes connor, not bothering to read the cover,  snatched it and raced back downstairs.

he popped it into the dvd player and sat down on the couch besides evan, leaving a good chunk of space between them. realizing that was a bad idea if he wanted to kiss him, connor scooted a bit closer.

the movie began and connor tried to pay attention until he noticed the main actress.

"is that fucking hannah montana?" he asked, squinting his eyes at the screen.

evan snorted and quickly slapped a hand over his face. "sorry."

a couple minutes passed and as the film progressed it became suddenly very clear that they were in fact watching the hannah montana movie.

"wow." evan laughed, glancing at connor. "never took you for a fan."

"oh shut up." connor said before reaching over to shut it off.

he was stopped by evan's warm hand on his.

"it's fine, honestly." evan assured him, smiling slightly.

 _is it normal to want to kiss the everliving fuck out of your best friend?_  connor wondered, staring at evan's fingers.

evan, noticing connor's eyes on his hand, quickly moved it away. "sorry." he mumbled, looking away and fiddling with the cast on his other arm.

"no, no, it's fine." connor insisted, praying that evan would put his hand back on his.

evan blushed and looked back at the tv.

connor sighed, internally giving up and beginning to attempt to actually watch the movie instead of calculating the precise moment where it'd seem most natural to kiss evan.

and then he felt warmth and light pressure resting on his hand.

he looked down to see evan's good hand laying awkwardly over connor's before evan entangled his fingers around connor's hand.

he lifted his head gingerly and caught evan's darting blue eyes staring at him nervously.

evan gave him a small smile and made a move to turn back to the movie when connor leaned over quickly and collided his mouth with evan's.

the kiss was nice.

very nice.

especially when evan kissed back, softly wrapping his hand around connor's waist in a way that drove him to kiss harder.

connor thought that he should stop, considering the amount of awkwardness that was going to follow.

but at the same time he wasn't quite satisfied.

hell, he didn't think he'd _ever_ be content with kissing evan hansen.

so he kept going and evan moved his lips against connor's just as enthusiastically. his slim, warm fingers brushing against the bare skin of connor's waist which was now exposed as his shirt rode up.

and then they pulled apart and evan was sitting across from him.

his hair messy from connor running his fingers through it, his cheeks slightly tinged pink, making his freckles a lot more noticeable and his lips parted slightly in an o shape.

god was testing connor, he really was.

it took every ounce of strength in connor to not lead the boy up to his room and continue what they were doing seconds ago.

instead he cleared his throat and scratched his neck awkwardly. "that didn't happen." he said, before thoroughly thinking of the aftereffects his words might have.

evan bit his bottom lip and nodded quickly.

connor fought the urge to leave and light a cigarette, choosing to finish the movie in silence with evan.


End file.
